Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
please come you make the beer taste better
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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