hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
