Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
