Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
