I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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