i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
