So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
