I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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