New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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