dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
