sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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