What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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