I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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