Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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