Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
