Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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