you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
