i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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