so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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