yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
