I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
