I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
