I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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