Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
