Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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