my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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