We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
