I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
