u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
