I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
