I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I came so hard my ears popped.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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