Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
