You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
