He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
