I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
