I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
