What a fucking waste of an outfit
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
