just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
