had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
