you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize