i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
