I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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