The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
