i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
