He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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