she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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