Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do vagina's smell?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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