apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
