I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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