i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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