I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
