Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball