Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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