True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
