why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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