so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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