I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
