I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
