Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
